“You know I have the world to think about, and you know I gotta go ahead and take some time…”
-Solange Knowles, Borderline (An Ode to Self Care)
It’s been a little over two years now since I’ve written on this platform.
A part of it can be pinned to laziness, not knowing what to write about, or how to write it down. Looking back, however, I can also say over the past two years I’ve been focused on being in each moment rather than picking through each moment. Since I’ve last written on here, I’ve been on a few more trips (Puerto Rico being the most recent), have taken a few jobs, and the one thing I’m absolutely the most happiest about is getting out of Retail Purgatory. I’ve also strengthened my spirituality a lot more compared to when I first declared myself a Witch in 2011…let’s just say people have been seeing a much needed change in me from the inside out since then.
Can I say everything is all great? Honestly, I’m in a more positive space in my life than I’ve ever been, and I have very little to complain about. In this post, however, I honestly will be complaining. I’m not complaining for the sake of pessimism, but rather as an attempt to rationalize my confusion.
For the past two days, I’ve been in an emotional slump triggered by conflicts between what I want in life and what will get me there. As a reminder, I made a vow never to work another retail job ever again after the taxing emotional and mental stress it can bring. Fast forwarding, over the summer I went from a city job I liked to a position as a dance instructor for an after school program I absolutely love. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always spoken about teaching dance to youth, with hopes to someday open a dance studio of my own before I depart from this world. My experience so far has been nothing but a rewarding challenge; the reward being in the form of affecting a life through art and movement, and the challenge being within the exploration of a territory new to me in terms of my career.
So what’s wrong, one may ask after reading this testimony? Money is always the problem. Now don’t get me wrong in the slightest; I’m not in my current position because of the money. I may not make much; however, I’m finally pursuing my passion. I will also say I’m not ignoring the fact there’s more income needed in order for me to advance…y’know, move out of my mother’s house, pay bills, invest in my dance studio, and pretty much living.
The dilemma here is this: there’s another position I took a test for, passed the test for it, and there’s a great chance I can get the job. The job is salaried, making way more than I’ve seen in the past 4-5 years I’ve been in the workforce, but it’s not a job I’m even remotely passionate about. In all honestly, it’s a position I was pressured into showing interest in, which in itself makes the feeling much worse. The pressure was in good faith, but needless to say it’s always touchy when it comes to coaching another on the life they have to live.
I cannot say wholeheartedly this transition would be an entirely bad one: having more money would allow me all of the things I’ve mentioned two paragraphs ago. My dance studio always has and always will be my endgame, and I need some kind of income in order to make that dream a reality. Speaking it into existence isn’t solely enough. After reading this, I’m even saying to myself, “what are you bitching about? Take the job and worry about later, later!” With most things in my life, switching positions would mean (for me, at least) taking one step forward and 50 steps back.
I’ve been fighting myself so hard to get myself in an environment which would benefit my dance goals, and now that I have it in my grasp, something else comes along to take me right out of it. A part of me feels as if I would be selling my soul to the Devil for giving up my passion in return for monetary gain. A part of me feels as if I would be giving up everything I stand for when it comes to fighting for my dreams and beliefs. Does it have to mean I’m actually giving up? I’m not, but it surely feels that way.
What it all boils down to is sacrifice. In a sense, I may already have all of the things I wanted as far as a job closest to the career I’d wish to pursue. In another sense, I don’t have it all, yet I have an opportunity that can get me even closer to my endgame. I have this latent pride about myself I can afford to subdue if I am going to reach my personal light at the end of my career tunnel. I guess the only thing I can do is roll with the punches while being persistent in never losing focus on what I really want. I may have a mother to make proud, nieces and others who look up to me, and friends who would support whatever move is in my best interest; however, I have to make the necessary choices for myself. Maybe a little submission for the time being won’t hurt too much. Maybe it’ll open the doors I often find closed. Maybe…